You are not the first person to be awake like this.
I don't know what happened. I know that whatever it is, you have been carrying it a while, and that it got loud tonight, and that you are probably by yourself.
A few true things, and then I'll leave you alone.
Some of what wrecked your life you did. Some of it was weather. You have been paying the full bill on both, and one of those bills was never yours.
The fact that you are lying there wondering whether any of it was ever real in you is not evidence against you. People who have genuinely walked away don't wonder. They sleep fine. The wondering is the part that means something.
What will hurt you is not what you did. It's how long you have been alone with it.
So the only thing worth doing tonight is the smallest thing. Not fixing it. Not deciding anything. Just getting a person back in range.
Text somebody. Anybody who knew you before. It does not have to be about this and it does not have to be tonight's whole story. Four words is enough. You up? Rough night.
If there is nobody at all, there are numbers at the bottom of this page. That is what they are for.
There's a book behind this page. It's not important right now. It'll be here in the morning, and so will I.
If it is worse than a bad night, and you are thinking about ending your life, call or text 988. United States, any hour, and the people who answer are not surprised by anything. They handle drinking and using too.